I have an EX!#%&* Headache!

I was sitting on a pharmaceutical gold mine for years and never knew it. I had it on the tip of my tongue and I never came out with it. If only I could have bottled it, marketed, patented it, I would be rich beyond all my dreams. I had actually invented a pain killer when I was just thirteen years old called Vulgadrene and within 15 years I could have released the generic version Cursoset. But nooo, I didn't act on my genius, I just let every other sod run with it.

What's worse is that just last week, a UK group at Keel's University discovered my secret. You see they released a study called “Swearing as a Response to Pain.” After screening for potential victims, they took 64 university students and had them submerge their hands in ice water. They broke these students in half, actually they created two groups. In one group they were told to 'swear a blue streak', and the others they were advised to only say nice things like, “My that's a wonderful dress your wearing.” and “You know, that skin tone looks good on you.” These PHD geniuses discovered that those who used colourful metaphors experienced less pain, than those who only said nice things, and non-plus adjectives.

So the conclusion was that swearing kills pain, or at least helps control pain. One would think that a quick trip to a Clinical Tourette's Ward could save some grant money.

It would be interesting to be a fly-on-the-wall if the group did a field trip to see what the effects are outside the controlled environment. I actually believed and still do that in many instances swearing would actually be a source of pain or at least a catalyst to pain. Take for example, if a member of this academic fact finders group would walk into a biker bar and find that hulking fellow with the tattoo of 'Satan spanking Bambi' and say, "Your sissy looking @#$% Harley Davidson scooter is parked under my truck, move it Bubba!" Would it be safe to assume that in that case swearing could be a source of pain, or at least a catalyst?

But once again I missed the boat and soon you will watching TV and view commercials on the new 'Extra Strength Vulgadrene' with the child proof container. I can hear the jingles now as visions of lost fortune pass through me. Maybe I could call up the drug company and offer them my marketing skills.

Here are just a few jingles that may work. Vulgadrene, "Nothing reacts faster than Vulgadrene." Cursoset, "The concussion medicine." All you need is Cusserol, "Because the rounds longer than the pain." Vulgadrene, "The pain reliever hospices most use," and my favourite Extra Strength Insultadone, "Take it for Pain. Run for Your Life."

But with all medicines there are side effects that lead to other needs for different drugs. I believe that in all cases swearing should come with a warning label.

The Vulgadrene warning label could sound something like.... "Before taking this medicine, tell your doctor if you have a history of heart attack, stroke, or blood clot, heart disease, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, a history of stomach ulcers or bleeding, liver or kidney disease, polyps in your nose, a bleeding or blood clotting disorder. If you have any of these conditions, you may not be able to use the medicine, or you may need a dosage adjustment during treatment. This medication may be harmful to an unborn baby. Tell your doctor if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant during treatment. Side effects include chest pain, weakness, shortness of breath, slurred speech, problems with vision or balance; black, bloody, or tarry stools; coughing up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds; swelling; urinating less than usual or not at all; nausea, stomach pain, low fever, loss of appetite; headache with a severe blistering, peeling, and red skin rash; bruising, severe tingling, numbness, pain, muscle weakness; stiffness, chills, increased sensitivity to light, purple spots on the skin, and/or seizure." (note: these are actual side effects of a common over-the-counter medicine.) If you experience any of these symptoms, for @#$% sakes stop swearing!

I guess the whole purpose of this editorial nonsense is the same as the study that prompted it. Why do we as a society even waste our time paying educated professionals to find out if saying the F-Word is a form of pain management? Do these people really believe that they have bettered society? Do they believe that after discovering this amazing pain management treatment that if you ever have a headache, stomach pain or pain in the backside, that you should blurt out @#$%!

Can you picture a city busload of stressed out urbanites relieving pain in the middle of a July heat wave.

One thing for sure, if you decide to jump in and test out these findings, please do it behind closed doors. In the meantime I have a frigg ‘in headache, where is the #$% Vulgadrene!